cassiemt (cassiemt) wrote,

i am a wreck

this weekend has been too much. not good. not bad. just somewhere in between and i don't know what to think. tonight was the last time i will ever see him or talk to him. not my decision, but his. i went to his house for a little bit, bad idea. but it is official. no more. am i happy because now i can be normal and fun like i should be and move on? or am i sad because the boy who has been with me for 17 months (exactly). so i guess this chapter of my life is over. i can't stop crying. and i can't really decide if it's because i love him or that i just don't want to be alone. sure i love him, sometimes he's terrible but other times hes so sweet like when he brought me food at work yesterday. i broke his heart though. i feel pretty bad about it. i don't know how to move on though. no one else will love me like he does. no one else is attracted to me. no one else will surprise me with my favorite food at work. no one else would let me call them every single night without them getting sick of me. i just want someone to love me. i wish i didnt have a cell phone. i just want to call him and everything to be ok but i can't do that anymore. i'm changing. i'm going to be different now. i'll have more time for my friends, for me, theatre, singing, maybe even cleaning my room/car. i just want someone's shoulder to bury my face in and cry, someone who understands. i hate emotions.
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